Reflections Upon Favorite Things

Last summer, at Middlebury, one of the bilingual assistants did a profile of me for the French School Gazette (he takes turns interviewing people, and the fact that I was Cambodian almost-road-kill apparently made me an interesting subject.) But something about that interview has been nagging at me all year

I was asked “What is your Favorite So-and-so”, in several topic areas, and the answers I made that day were published for all of my colleagues and students as being a helpful key to learning Who Bonnie Is.

Now I want to make something clear: it’s not that I feel that I was mis-represented in any way; no, my answers were sincere, and faithfully reported.

It’s just that I feel the portrait that I drew of myself that day pinned “Bonnie” down like a dead butterfly.

You see, I don’t have a Favorite So-and-so, at least not many of them. My tastes change all the time. My needs change. My desires change.

And I’m also wary of that pinning-down stuff, have been for a very long time. My best friend Janice taught me that when we were in high school (I’m sure she doesn’t remember this.) One day someone was asking us our favorite color. True to form, my first response was “red”, partially because it was true, but also partially because it wasn’t blue. Anything but blue.

Janice responded that she didn’t have any one Favorite Color, but that she rather enjoyed certain “combinations of colors.”

I have never, ever forgotten the feeling I had when I heard her say this. I felt awe that someone could have the courage to not be part of the “blue” club (I had suffered a great deal from the Favorite Color Is Not Blue stigma when I was a child…), and also jealousy that I hadn’t thought of saying it first, as it was also true for me.

And since I didn’t think of it first that day, I’ve tried to make up for it since by giving thoughtful answers to Favorite So-and-so questions. But last summer when Alexis asked me “What is your Favorite So-and-so?” I was so vulnerable, so freshly remolded by my Cambodian adventures, that I even forgot to think about it at all, and answered like the young, unsure thing I was when I was a teenager and young adult, and evidently had temporarily reverted to.

I talked about Tolkein, about Harry Potter, about a bunch of musical and literary Favorites that are more like brain comfort-food than actual Favorite So-and-sos.

This has actually preoccupied me a great deal in the past months, as the approach of Year 50 is feeling more and more like an opportunity to shed once and for all the pretense that I am a proper, socially-acceptable product of my education and experiences, and allow my authentic self in all its cruddy glory to shine through.

So what are my Favorite So-and-sos? Can I even answer that question? Should I? Why?

These past few years of depression have almost removed the issue of What I Like from my universe. I haven’t read a book in two years, have hardly seen a film (except in airplanes) and am only just starting to listen to music again. Color preferences are different for my home, my clothing, my vehicles, my office supplies, my toothbrush. As for food, anything with limes or vinegar is easy… but what DON’T I like? That would be the more difficult question. (OK, green peppers.)

As a developmental / evolutionary exercise, I’m working on compiling a list of things I do like (trying to remember how, in fact) in case anyone is interested, but be warned: reading the list is like taking a personal “Stumble-Upon” through my consciousness.

Meanwhile, I can say that the one thing I do like very much is the end of the cold, dark winter (including that of the soul), and the hope that I can spend a few months not freezing my ass off while everyone else is sitting around feeling quite comfy, thank you very much.

I also like to write, and hope in the coming months to get back to blogging. My Facebook Affair has sort of made the blog feel redundant, especially during the times when nothing at ALL was happening in my life (pretty much literally.) But I miss writing, and so I’m going to do my best to return to it.

Once again, thank you for listening! See you soon…